The young people at Love and Hope have all entered our home at different ages. Some were already seven years old and a few years late in starting their education; others weren’t even a month old! No matter what their background or their story, the work Love and Hope does to prepare our young people for independence starts the day they walk through our doors. How do you prepare a 5 day old, a nine-month old, a four year old, or a seven year old for independence? By providing a safe, loving environment where they can grow and develop the necessary skills for independence. Of course, there are many skills that make us more likely to succeed independently, but I want to focus on just a few.
Attachment: Isn’t that the opposite of independence? Not at all! The independent person has healthy attachment. Because of early childhood trauma, many of us experience that push and pull in relationships and are constantly trying to prove that we are unloveable in order to protect ourself from the pain of rejection and abandonment. Reactive attachment is common in kids growing up in children’s homes and the primary cause is not forming healthy, appropriate relationships (attachments) at a young age. At Love and Hope we try to let the kids choose who to form these close bonds with. To be chosen as what we refer to as a “persona referente” or a “significant person” in a child’s life is a great honor. We try to provide opportunity for those bonds to be strengthened, nourished and long-lasting. Many of our visitors, sponsors, volunteers and staff members have played this important role in the lives of our young people.
Resilience: Another skill that we strive to develop in our young people is resilience. Our trauma does not define us. Resilience is not denial. Resilience is the acceptance of our past and the power to choose who we want to be and to shape our own future. We foster resilience in our kids in many ways: personal, group and family counseling; opportunities to pursue hobbies, sports and other personal interests; and most importantly through a relationship with Jesus Christ through whom we can “endure all things (I Corinthians 13:7).” Being resilient allows us to endure the ups and downs of independence: job loss, a relationship that didn’t work out, struggling to make ends meet, etc.
Autonomy: One of our main goals for our young people is autonomy. It’s that sweet spot that every parent dreams of for their kids. It’s the person that does what is right when no one is looking. It’s the one who stands up for what they believe, not to please others, but because of personal conviction. I’m reminded of James 1:23-25 “Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.” Our kids are told that their opinion matters, that their voice counts and that they can change the world. And we aren’t just trying to make them feel good, we believe it! It is hard for a person with low self esteem to acquire autonomy. Our young people are required to participate in after school activities. If there is something they are interested in, we will work to find them the opportunity to pursue it. In our home our kids have participated in soccer, skating, basketball, baseball, field hockey, gymnastics, dance, ballet, tae kwon doe, kickboxing, volleyball, painting, piano, guitar, singing, cooking, sewing and more! Coordinating activities for all our kids is not easy, but the pay back is kids that are confident in themselves, have explored their talents and have pushed themselves to new heights. These kids have the self esteem to believe that their life has a purpose and that if they set goals, they can reach them.
Ambition: Desire and determination to achieve success is the definition of Ambition. Attachment, resilience and autonomy make for an ambitious person. From the time our kids start kindergarten we start encouraging their personal ambition. They get prizes for bringing home good grades. There is always someone there watching them at practice and encouraging them not to give up. As they get older we help them create their “life plan” to explore who they want to be, what their God-given abilities are, what career they want to pursue. Our youth are provided with a tutor for math, science and English so that they can achieve their full potential.
As they enter their final year of high school we plan college visits, provide aptitude tests and walk beside them as they seek where to place their foot for this next step in life: Independence.
In our next post, we’ll explore what happens when our kids turn 18 and legally become independent adults.